Bittersweet...

As I tucked Cowen in tonight, I couldn't help but hug him tighter, stare into his face, watch his chest rise and fall, and just MISS her.
I sometimes find myself thinking of all the what ifs and the regrets. I try like hell to remember every second that she was here. But then that sweet voice brings me back to reality... "Mommy, why are you crying? Are you crying because you miss Lilly Kate? Please don't cry, Mommy." I wipe my tears, remind him how much I love him, and pull myself together.
This is the hardest part... trying to balance my grief and joy. This is the definition of bittersweet. I live with it every day- the joy of watching Cowen grow and change, the awe of how wonderful Connor and Brynn are with him, and the questions... What would she be like? How would her laugh sound? What color were her eyes?
Of course I'm always excited about celebrating Cowen's birthday- his happiness and excitement are contagious! And even though it's the day we got to meet Lilly Kate, it's also the day we had to say goodbye. Not only do I have to fight back the tears as we sing happy birthday to sweet Cowen, but I also have to battle the guilt I feel for being sad on his birthday. It's not an easy situation, but I just hang on, push through those moments, and hope next year is a little easier.
I have rarely, if ever, posted pictures of our sweet angel. I am pretty protective of her- her neural tube defect, anencephaly, causes the base of the skull to not form, leaving little support for her facial structure. But I'm feeling brave tonight I guess so here goes... Happy Birthday, precious Lilly Kate...